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(no subject) [Dec. 6th, 2006|04:52 am]
[Current Mood |contentcontent]

... i have 60 days clean today. i have a sponsor (who has 23 years clean and is fucking awesome). i'm working the program. my days consist of: wake up. go to work. work 8 hrs. pick up mike. go to an NA meeting. talk to people in NA. go home. read in the basic text. go to bed. ::repeat::
and i'm actually happy with this. i have people in NA that actually care about me. i don't think about killing myself everyday anymore. i believe in a higher power that i pray to when i hit my knees every morning and every night. i can smile. life doesn't suck so much anymore. it's funny... i used drugs to make things seem better. who knew that by taking them away and replacing them with a program could actually make life better. i've been to hell and back and now i swear i'm never going back to that hell again no matter what.

"I didn't get clean to escape life. I got clean because life was escaping me". --Freddy
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i'm finally ready for steps 2 and 3... [Nov. 5th, 2006|05:57 am]
[Current Mood |gratefulgrateful]
[Current Music |my stomach is growling at me...]

this week has been... horrifying, then eye-opening, then a blessing. mike got into a bad car accident on monday. he was making a left at a busy intersection and i guess he didnt have enough time or the woman coming the other direction didnt slow down or wasn't paying attention... they collided... both cars were totalled. mike wasn't wearing his seatbelt (despite the fact that i've nagged him about it a million times) thankfully he was in his mom's volvo... one of the safest cars, (they say if he was in any other car he'd be dead), so the airbags deployed so he didnt go through the windshield, but he flew out of the driver seat, the car spun a bunch of times,he hit his head and ended up in the passenger side. he had a concussion, a huge laceration on the side of his head, and a sprained knee. the worst part was he had bleeding in his brain. he went unconscious and they were close to losing him. but he came to and the bleeding lessoned, then after a day it absorbed and the blood was gone. they kept him in ICU for two days, then dishcarged him from the hospital on thursday. he couldn't move his left leg at all at first, but now he's up and walking again (he limps and wobbles a little bit though). his short term memory was destroyed at first, but now it's getting better each day. he isn't asking the same questions every ten minutes and not remembering he already asked anymore. this event is a fucking miracle. people aren't supposed to live when theyre in a head-on collision and aren't wearing their seatbelt. i know a higher power was watching over him. there was doubt in my mind before this that there is a god, but the doubt is gone. God saved him. both mike and i have so much gratitude now. life is so fucking precious. It's like god bitch slapped us to say 'wake the hell up, assholes. i'm here and i have a plan for you'. before i was doing what the say, "fake it 'til you make it", meaning i was praying to a higher power, but felt like i was just talking to my bed. now i know there's someone out there watching over us. i'm not going to take anything for granted anymore. i am filled with gratitude and for once i think i value life.
step 2: "we came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity"
step 3: "we made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him"
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one step closer to death... [Oct. 27th, 2006|02:20 pm]
[Current Mood |calmcalm]
[Current Music |the damn birthday song, bitch]

so, today is my birthday. i am officially 20 years old... no longer a teenager, fuckin' A it's about time. and for once i didn't wake up miserable on my birthday. it's funny how much more peaceful i feel these days with the combination of no drugs and my mood stabilizers actually working because there are no drugs to interfere. it's a wonderful feeling to not pray for death every day and every night. maybe this life thing isn't so bad, eh?
i've been working at an art and custom framing store since tues. and i like it. i'm afraid of fucking up, since i still don't really know how to do stuff on my own, but i'm getting better. the people are very nice and the work is fairly easy. plus, it's in the art field so i don't feel crappy about working in retail and not going to school.
i really don't have much else to say so *happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me blah blah, blah blah blah, happy birthday to me*.
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so here's what's happening in lisa-land [Oct. 13th, 2006|04:15 am]
[Current Mood |contemplativecontemplative]
[Current Music |under the bridge- RHCP]

well everything was going fairly well for me, but surprise... lisa fucked up again. i relapsed. bad. like hardcore. i went on a two week binge in which the out come was absesses and my arm looking requiem style and all of mine and mike's savings evaporated. i really messed up this time. my mom had a feeling i was using and she came down to florida. i couldn't lie to her anymore and mike couldn't lie to his mother either. so we told them we relapsed. i didnt tell my mom the extent of my relapse... i couldnt stand to hurt her that badly. so we admitted defeat (step 1: we admitted we were powerless over drugs and our lives had become unmanageable) and decided it would be best to move back to jersey, stay with our parents respectively and work until we build up enough money and clean time to try it again in whatever the hell state comes next on my list. so here i am. back in the house i swore i'd never live in again. but im trying to be positive. i'm clean. and im going to meetings every night. and im alive. i came close to death again. i danced with the motherfucking devil. but i won. but who knows if this is my last chance. maybe i wont win next time. so im making sure there is no next time.
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(no subject) [Sep. 13th, 2006|09:14 pm]
[Current Mood |calmcalm]

so i figured i'd update just to let everyone out there know that i'm still alive and kickin'. i'm in jersey at this moment, but i go back to florida on friday morning. i've been living in palm beach county since i got out of rehab. going to rehab was the best decision i made in my life. i learned so much about myself. i'm clean and happy to be. while i was there i ended it with scott. i'll always love him, but i realized we were killing each other and i want better than that life for him and for myself. so i'm with someone new now. mike (ie "mad mike"). we met during my last week or so there at bhop. i didn't want to be in another relationship, hell, that's the last thing i wanted. but when love runs up and smacks you in the face you just can't let it go. so now we live together down there. there are so many coincidences between us it's amazing. but i'm scared shitless. i really hope i don't get my heart broken again. i think i still am a bit too numb though after scott that i can't really feel everything in its entrity yet. so, i've been working like crazy (not going to say where), i made one friend sort of in fl, but i'm fucked up in the head over making friends since my last one just died. i became insanely close with this girl kristen at rehab. we were house-mates and she was my best friend there. she was a beautiful person and i cry when i think about her. she left bhop and came back to jersey. she o.d.'d on heroin shortly after and died. it's a fucked up world. and i'll never forget her. anyway, things are good for the most part and i'm doing fairly well.
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(no subject) [Mar. 1st, 2006|04:16 pm]
[Current Mood |sadsad]
[Current Music |lullaby- pedro the lion]

in case you aren't all my friends list, almost all entries have gone *poof* to you.
*EDIT*- entry erased. the one person who was supposed to see it saw it, so whatever, it's gone now.
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merry fucking christmas [Dec. 25th, 2005|02:12 am]
[Current Mood |exhaustedexhausted]
[Current Music |and god said oi to the punks oi to the skids oi to the world]

(actually, i'm in a good mood... i added the "fucking", well, because i like to curse like a sailor.)
x-mas eve at scott's parents' house was good this year. his mom gave me a beautiful table top easle with a shitload of oil, acrylic, and watercolor paints. i can't wait to use them now that i'm on break and next semester i'm taking a lighter coarseload so i can actually do some pieces for pleasure, not assignment. scott gave me a gorgeous silver locket necklace. it's a heart with a diamond in the center. <3
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(no subject) [Dec. 24th, 2005|01:32 am]
[Current Mood |contemplativecontemplative]
[Current Music |this computer has no speakers because it's evil]

so im here at my parents house. and my computer here SUCKS. grjdkawtj evil piece of crap!
thursday a few kids from my highschool commercial art class met up for dinner. i actually had a really good time. today i went into redbank. it was really weird to be back in town. ran into a friendly acquantence who told me not many of the old parkies/old school punks/junkies hang out there too much anymore. it's so strange to see all these young kids who must be h.s. freshman running around town thinking they're some punk ass hot shit, shouting random crap at people and making fools out of themselves, knowing that four years ago i was them. having them stare wide eyed at my jacket covered in paint, patches, rips and old relics, and my huge dominatrix boots like i looked at the older punker parkies. such a mind fuck. saw allie and connor. i wish i got to see them more often. and talked to khushi on the phone. and it doesn't hurt as bad as it used to know she probably won't call.

and i still remember how wonderful it was to leave this place. and watch it fade out from sight in the rear-view mirror. and it doesn't feel like my home anymore.

still haven't heard from certain people and i'm starting to think i'm a bit disposable, like paper plates and plastic forks.
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(no subject) [Nov. 27th, 2005|09:11 am]
[Current Mood |way to be bi-polar, lisa]
[Current Music |lovefool- the cardigans]

i was just lying in bed watching scott sleep (because i can't, alas, i ran out of my sleeping meds) and i remembered that for the most part all the pain and shitty-ness is worth enduring for those few perfect moments, even if it's hard to remember that during the bad parts. i'm still overwhelmed/hurting/upset/depressed/pissed-off at life and all the crap that's been going on lately is still going on, but at least i had a little time feeling relief with my love.
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(no subject) [Nov. 17th, 2005|12:32 am]
[Current Mood |rawr.]

been sick as all fuck lately. and this means missing class and falling behind. hooray. i swear if i knew tyler was up there with the hardest, most serious art schools.... meh. i have a meeting tommorrow (or today i suppose) morning with the head of disabilities at main campus.

i don't really have anything interesting to say. mainly because i can't think of anything, mainly because my brain is mush, mainly becaused i'm tired and sick. this is all.
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